Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
