I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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