I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
