Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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