I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
