Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
