I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
