I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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