So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
