At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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