my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
zippers are such a cool invention
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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