Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
