I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize