You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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