So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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