i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
