I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
