I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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