did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
