Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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