Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
