i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
