When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
