i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
