Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
