when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
