Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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