I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
