Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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