I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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