i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
