good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
