What did we do last night that was yellow?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
