I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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