i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
