She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
