I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
