They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
