My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
