I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
