I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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