Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Found the puke drawer
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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