Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
