I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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