my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
