I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone đ
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Liz Cheney wasnât exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying âYAS QUEENâ for in 2021 but here we are
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