if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
