Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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