if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
