I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
