My sheets look like a crime scene.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
