he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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