i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
