I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
