my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize