just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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