Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
