Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I can text with my tongue
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize