The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
