Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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