Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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