Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
