i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
