Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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