just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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