I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
