whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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